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Reuters April 1st, 2007.
Harvard University president announced earlier today that Harvard would be going public. Harvard will become a part of the education money-making machine of NOE (New Occidental Enterprise), and a ten billion dollar IPO is planned for next month.
When asked why such a move was contemplated, Harvard President, who kept on referring to himself as CEO, said, “Why not? Money never hurts anyone.”
Changes are in the wind. After the initial public offering, Harvard will change the way it teaches its students. Traditional professional courses will be replaced by courses gear to passing professional exams: bar exams for lawyers, licensing exams for engineers, doctors, accountants etc. In addition, Harvard will adopt special teaching materials and textbook that are “result oriented”: standard solutions, sample essays, and other bag-of-tricks students can memorize or use for passing exams. When an alumnus present in the press conference asked if this is education, he was reminded that America is a capitalist country, and making money is a form of patriotism.
To enhance investor values, Harvard is going to set up a franchising business. Mini-campuses are available at 1,000,000 each. Standard teaching materials and teacher’s training will come with each franchise. A routine of starting each lecture with the professor leading the class in a 5 minutes motivational exercise of shouting “we can do it”, “learning is fun”, and “don’t be afraid of losing face”, to be followed by tearing up or burning flags or banners of evil empires and competitors (such as Yale and Princeton) will be implemented. Books, tapes, and CD on how to pass exams will be sold through Harvard University Bookstore in Cambridge Mass., or by mail order from Amazon.com.
Upon hearing the news, several white-haired full professors and department heads were seen crying. When asked, they said, “I am so ashamed. I have never learned how to memorize and recite textbooks; I only know how to do research and publish original ideas. I won’t be able to face my students who can recite a complete textbook. I will have to resign.” Others shook their heads in disbelief and vowed they would rather switch then fight.
When asked by reporters if the loss of faculty members would severely hamper Harvard’s plans, the soon-to-be Harvard CEO said, “Have no fear, I can find plenty of people who can do that. My friend at Duke University told me where he could find plenty of people who can recite several volumes of textbooks.”
Supporters of such a move cheer hysterically. When cautioned such a move would damage quality education in America, they shouted “sour grapes”, “lay off, will ya”, and “such a move is good for the general public”—whatever that means. The reaction of the man on the street is, “Duh! I don’t know no nothing. But tell me how I can get my hands on some of the IPOs?”
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发表于 2024-12-1 13:45:23